When I announced that I was writing this editorial six months ago, people immediately went on the defensive. I was attacked online and in-person for even thinking that EC Comics weren't the finest comics we've ever seen. This, of course, only strengthened my view that I was correct in my assertion. As the months passed, this editorial swirled around in my head. I tested bits of it on friends and colleagues. I confounded co-workers with half-hour comics history lessons. I lay awake at night trying to pull the whole thing together. Ultimately I was left with a dry, reasoned, footnoted essay on representational comics vs. "cartoon-y" comics and why cartoon-y comics are vastly superior. Boooring. So I decided to concentrate on why I would write such an essay rather than deliver another re-hashing of the comics history with a personal take.

I like cartoon-y comics. I love the scratchiness of Gary Panter (whose name will appear in this issue again and again) and George Herriman. I love the kineticism of E.C. Segar and Pete Bagge. I love the simplicity of Charles Schulz and Seth. I do, in fact, think these cartoonists and the comics they make are superior to the kind of "cartooning" typically found in your average EC comic or just about any mainstream comic since the '50s. Don't get me wrong, many of those comics are filled with fine illustrations; they just make lousy comics. They're too cinematic, too labored looking, too concerned with "capturing the light." I don't see a joyful moment in those drawings. They don't move. They don't even particularly look good. And lord knows, they sure as hell don't create a world that draws me in. It's a bunch of bad, stiff actors standing around awkwardly spouting dopey dialogue while a painstakingly rendered multi-tentacled alien emerges from a sparkling spaceship. Uuuuuugly. In all kinds of media, people are wowed by technical flash. Steely Dan are musical geniuses; Jonathan Richman is just an idiot-savant. Steven Spielberg is a master of light and color; John Cassavetes is a spirited crank who doesn't know how to hold a camera still. Wally Wood is master of the form; Mark Beyer is some retard loner who never even heard of perspective. Well, I know whose art I'm more interested in. As far as most people are concerned the more "complicated" (more notes, more special effects, more cross-hatching) something is, the better it is.

Here's what I want to say: Break from this traditional way of thinking and actually engage what you're allowing into your eyes (and ears, but that's for a different magazine). Cartoon-y comics are really a lot better than you think. Be less concerned with how well something "captures the light" and more concerned with how something captures our experience. Put down that damn 100 Bullets comic and go read The Gumps, for chrissakes.

For the most part that's what this issue is about. I chose to profile Fabio, Glenn Dakin and John Stanley because I love the joy in their comics. I love reading their stories and looking at their drawings. I'm hard pressed to think of anyone who draws more beautifully than Tove Jansson (and her stories -- be they comics or prose -- are beautiful, joyful, funny and sad). I love, love, love Gary Panter's boldness and sloppiness and everything-ness. I love the fact that Gilbert Hernandez is able to put the entire contents of his brain right there on the printed page. See this essay isn't about hate, it's about love! Find the comics by these people and get to know them. You won't be disappointed. Don't be fooled by what appears to be accomplished drawing because it has more shading lines. Don't be fooled by representation. Seriously ask yourself, "Does that drawing do anything for me?"

Oh yeah, I hate Prince Valiant.

Don't go away. I'm not done yet. I decided to create an e-mail discussion group that would only be active for a week or so. The idea was for some friends and I to discuss what we thought made good comics. For the most part, we did that. Sometimes we strayed. Often we disagreed. What follows is an edited transcript of that e-mail discussion. Here are the members: Ron Rege, Jr., Brian Ralph, Jef Czekaj, Megan Kelso, Matt Madden, Ben Jones, Greg Cook, Kurt Wolfgang, Jordan Crane, Tom Hart and Brooke Corey and myself. To be fair, Tom Hart and Matt Madden weren't on the list the whole time. In fact, by the time Tom Hart joined, the discussion had become pretty inane and more self-referential than it was already was. He quit in disgust. Every good discussion group needs someone to quit in disgust.

"No more comics about comics."

"No more comics about cute kitties."

"Unless your name is Ben Jones, don't ever use a computer to draw your comic."

"Please stop using computer fonts in your comics. It's like dubbing a movie with that Stephen Hawking voice."

On Bizarro: "Holy cow, those Disney-ass fucks really just want to draw Disney shit all day. I want out of this comics thing, I don't want to be in books with the likes of this Disney Kyle Baker shit ever again. I'd be better off drawing a comic about stamp collecting."

To retailers: "We, nerdy white guys who grew up watching a lot of TV and playing video games and Dungeons and Dragons, feel ashamed and uncomfortable in your comics store. Imagine what the rest of the population feels like."

"To the mainstream media, comics will never be more than a public interest story. Who cares?"

"The sad sack aggressively humble comic artist act is getting really fucking old. Chris Ware set the pattern, and everyone else falls into line with the 'aw shucks' and 'everything I draw is shit' act. I'm not asking for a bunch of pompous asses, but I think just a little self-awareness and respect for one's own work would be refreshing."

"There are too many self-promoting cartoonists who have no idea how bad their work actually is."

"Song lyrics in comics are not as meaningful to your readers as they are to you."

"If only the world of comics was more like the world of graffitti (or at least how I imagine that world to be) with crews running around dissing other crews -- jumping from train to train wearing masks and hoods. Can you imagine if I was at a convention and I had a big red marker and I just drew a big red slash over all the garbage books, and said, 'This shit is ill!'"

"Everybody stop bringing your portfolios of finished comics around. Stop 'shopping around for publishers.' I just don't think it's going to happen that way. There isn't a secret world that you are going to break into -- you are already a part of it. By bringing your portfolio around I think you are really just asking, 'Am I any good?' Why should you have to ask anyone that?"

"Fuck all that 'scene' shit and all that 'zine' shit and going to every and any convention and 'networking' and Internet message board circle jerking and just draw some comics. The best thing about the fact that the comics 'industry' is about as big as a raisin is that being good at what you do is good enough for you to 'make it,' whatever that means. You don't have to kiss ass and rub elbows, or even be nice. You just have to make good comics, and the only way anyone can do that is by sitting their ass down for 8 billion hours making comics. All the good reviews in ZineMania ain't gonna make you good, it'll just mean that you're pen pals with a buncha other people who make shitty comics and zines."

"'Comic books' is a stupid and usually inaccurate tag, but everything else that people have come up with is even worse so we're stuck with it."

"Just because your story is true, doesn't mean it's worth telling."

"Putting the names of bands on your characters' T-shirts is annoying and stupid, unless they are characters that you're making fun of for being boring and stupid."

"Putting a bowl of candy on your table at a comics convention in order to lure people toward your comics is the saddest god damned thing you could do. I encourage anyone who comes across this to stand in front of the table and eat the entire bowl of candy, then say 'thanks' and walk away. Better yet, get your hands all spitty and chocolate-y while eating the free candy, then leaf through each and every comic on the table."

"The Fort Thunder guys know what they're doing. If you think you could do what they do with ease, you probably don't know what you're doing."

"Like everything else in the world, 99.99999999% of comics suck."

"How are you going to use these quotes? I guess that everyone would expect a Red Ink/Highwater Books issue of The Comics Journal to be filled with snobbery. Is it too much snobbery? I mean I try to keep up the appearance of liking all that other garbage."

"Furries: making comics a threat again."

"Comics should always have a really good gun fighting scene with a lot of ammo shells flying around. And all comics should have at least one character that wears a black trench coat. Comics should really just be storyboards for movies, which is what I would rather be doing if it wasn't so expensive. Making movies, that is."

"Can I be sued for saying 'Disney-ass fucks?'"

"When you draw comics, think to yourself, 'How much is this page worth to a collector?' Try to make every page expensive. Make a lot of 'splash' pages and make something important happen on each page. I used to draw a bunch of fifty-dollar pages (people walking around, sitting around, thinking, etc.) but now I have saved a bunch of time by drawing just $150+ pages. See what I mean? It's easy! Next I'm going to just draw one page that will be worth $1000. That's a heck of a lot quicker than drawing 20 fifty dollar pages."

"The thing is, though, it's not about selling pages, it's about art. If you wanna make groovy art comics, it ain't even about content, it's about production: fancy pants paper that's bumpier that oak bark, make sure each page is about 1/4 inch thick. Make your book a fucked-up size that'll get hidden behind every other book on the rack. It shows those squares that you won't be caught 'playin their game.' Look at those Highwater snobs... I heard that they're not even going to put any actual comics in the books anymore, but just swirly lines in thick rounded corner books printed on an assortment of 'paper' made from undyed wool and red clay, limited edition of eleven copies, signed and numbered with a yogurt based ink. That's the future of comics. I heard from a reliable source that Tom Devlin is working on a 'comic' that comes in the form of a scented gas. Once you figure out the combination of an intricate wooden 3-D puzzle that will be hand carved by blind monks, a one-time series of aromatic gasses will be released in five distinct sequential increments. You will breathe in a comic. People need to ditch those Winsor-Newtons and learn to think 'outside of the bristol board.'"

"I got news for you man, Tom's been working on that Scented Gas comic for years now. He did a considerable amount of work on it while he was at my house, just before he went to bed, and then again after eating a heavy dinner. It is a really powerful work."

"i hate the dc bizaro colors except for b.r. all those clashing colors makes me puke on the books colors, give kids colors and they use ugly too many."

"Stop printing up your animation storyboards and pretending that they're actual comics. This means you, Hero-Bear guy."

"Stop creating 'characters' like Hand-Man or Pissed-Off Boy. Your dumb character isn't going to make you a millionaire and it's not going to entertain anyone other than your friends. Concentrate on creating characters that suit your story, not the other way around."

"If you didn't understand that comic you just read then perhaps you read it wrong. A good thing to keep in mind is that not all comics are based on Lord of the Rings or Die Hard."

"Did I tell you I give on your realism vs. not-realism argument? The hell with it. My goal is to draw a horse half as alive as a Herriman horse."

"Never ever give your human character a dog's head."

"This isn't for the 'quotes list: If any of you have any minicomics to be photocopied, I'll be running off FREE FREE FREE copies again next Friday. Act now, as I may not be working in this department much longer. Just mail me make-readies all set to go as soon as you can, especially if you have a comic book called MONSTER that you've been sittin' on for god-damned-ever."

"Gary Panter...Gary Panther...think again...the answer is right under your shoes."

"Never use your own lust when thinking of stories. It will attract those who are sad or sadder and feed them sadness. Use what is good inside of us, we all have good, it can feed everyone."

"When thinking of a character, make it have a haircut you hate, you will learn a lot about that haircut."

"Concerning freedom: To give a piece of a comic away is to say, look it's only paper, just like money, we all are made of wood and fire and earth."

"I don't like Chester Brown, or Daniel Clowes or Chris Ware, or Jack Kirby, or Love and Rockets. I don't think they are bad, it's just like how you don't like the stuff I like, like rap or BMX bikes."

"As far as the new NON is concerned, I think Jordan is great. I thought it was a little bit strange at first when he required that I contribute $1000 if I wanted to be in the book, but then he told me that everyone was contributing money, so I guess it makes sense. Oh and also he told me that he keeps the original art 'as payment for editing the book.'"

"I was reading the new Art in America, which I often do because I am a big snob, and there is this guy named Oyvind Fahlstrom in it. He's this old guy who does some pretty crazy comic book inspired/totally comic book stolen artwork. He was inspired by Zap comics and Batman. He has one drawing called "Feast on Mad" which is all lines and shapes stolen and redrawn from Mad magazine. One sculpture even has R.Crumb's name in the title. Well they have a retrospective of his shit at the MASS MOCA in western Mass. I totally tell you that it is worth checking out his stuff. There is a cool painting filled with Batman capes. Now I'm not saying I'm a fan of comic book fine art but this stuff is cool. I don't know what to think about comic art fine art. I'm waiting for Greg Cook to write that article about it so he can tell me what to think."

"Unless your name is Mat Brinkman, don't use a bamboo stick to draw your comics. Ah, the hell with it. Go ahead use a bamboo stick. See if I care."

"OK here's something I want to say -- I don't think people should make comics about comic book conventions. And also don't make a movie called Chasing Amy that has a convention in it. If you looked at any business convention, it would look depressing and sad, so why should comic conventions be any different. Just because people are dressed up like animals? Well if you go to a computer convention, there will be Playboy models handing out stress balls and also people dressed up like big goofy cartoon characters. So what the fuck? People know comics conventions are lame, it's not funny to rehash the fact that they are lame. And no one out there in the world needs an insight into comic book conventions."

"The following topics are also OFF limits in comics: current events/politics, drugs (except rave drugs and pills), your family (except relations with estranged parents), your pets, music (except punk, jazz, bluegrass), how excited you are about your new baby, how excited you are about your new romantic love, how depressed you are (unless you are suicidal), fictional World War II tales, also, I think if you have talking animals in your comic you can't have a sexy female character. And I'm not just talking about Liberty Meadows. I'm also talking about Bone. Bone would kick way more ass if it didn't have Thorn in it. To have a sexy relationship between a sexy female character and an animal/bone-like character -- it's just too much. That's the type of stuff that makes people go Furry, it's just too confusing."

"James Kochalka has talking animals and also Amy, but Amy doesn't try to get it on with Spandy."

"Don't try to be smart and crafty, because you'll just end up looking dumb and stupid."

"For the love of fuck, take a look at your lettering and see if it goes with your comic or just looks like a mess. Put as much time into your words as you do into your pictures."

"Narration is a crutch."

"Wordless comics are the newest-latest: if you want to be part of the comics eliterata then make a wordless comic. But be careful, because if it sucks, then the eliterata will sit in their hotel room and draw words into your sucky wordless comic and laugh. SO, I guess what I'm saying is that if you're doing a wordless comic, make sure that it is either really good or really bad, because if it's just in that middle ground then it's of no use to anyone. Try really hard to make it really good, because that will probably end up making it really bad, and therefore very funny. But you can't take credit for how funny it is because you didn't intend for it to be funny, you intended for it to deal with serious issues such as child abuse, rape, or teen-age suicide. And that's why it's so funny."

"Irony is fucking out, out, out! Investment company ads are ironic. Quit being ironic, you just look dumb."

"Go fuck yourself, fuckface."

"Too bad the computer sucks so much at lettering, you would think it would work out well, seeing as lettering is supposed to be all neat and nice and look consistent. So why can't the computer be used for lettering? I don't know but it looks like shit. So instead we have to do all this lettering all neat and nice so it looks like a machine made it. So why the hell can't a machine make it? I'm not trying to be funny; I'm really asking this question. I hate doing lettering. It's basically just my handwriting. I know that it looks bad sometimes. You have to be really having a good day to make the lettering good, you can't half-ass it. I leave it till the last minute so it's usually half-assed."

"Wordless comics should be read while someone in the room plays piano."

"I think that narration can be used just as boldly as wordlessness can. I understand how it can be a crutch in full-length fiction stories like Crum Bums or Skibber or Last Lonely Saturday, etc., when COMBINED w/speech & wordlessness, but by itself, you are free to draw anything you want w/it! I've found it to be an amazing tool for non-fiction. Do you guys think I (or anyone) shouldn't do non-fiction? I like it. So phhhhhhhht!"

"Narration in comics should never make one think of The Wonder Years, or Lynda Barry. We already have a Lynda Barry, thanks."

"Comics about working in copy shops -- no."

"Steal from everywhere when drawing. That is, everywhere but currently popular comics. I understand the importance of stealing; it just doesn't have to always be from Chris Ware, Dan Clowes and the Hernandez brothers."

"Whenever you say 'it's not like Chris Ware invented that,' you're lying. He did so. So don't do it."

"Really I think people can draw comics about whatever they want. I don't often read comics, so I wouldn't know."

"Panel Borders? Clunky and unsophisticated"

"Don't ink with a brush. You think you should ink with a brush because that's what they tell you to do, but all the really good ones ink with a nib. A Hunt 112 nib."

"If you finish a comic and you really like it, you're wrong."

"Good comics are like good sex: they...blah blah...(finish this one for me.)"

"Oh I give up."

"Why do these things take so long to draw?"

"This sucks."

"I hate this one."

"Eureka! It's shit!"

"I'm going to get a six-pack and a video, want anything?"

"Scott McCloud is a robot sent from the future."

"Where is Ziggy when you need him most?"

"Satire good; parody bad."

"Steal from those more talented than you. Look to other art forms to steal."

"MORE nonfiction comics."

"LESS comics about that girl that you kind of liked, and you were PRETTY sure she liked you, and then you starting hanging out a lot together, and she had an awesome record collection and was actually a really good artist, and it seemed like something was gonna happen between you two, but then things got weird, and you ended up not talking to each other."

"Comics should be more like poetry and less like movies."

"Fumetti is Italian for 'lazy cartoonist.'"

"I find that whiskey is better for drinking while inking than beer. In fact, if you drink a whole fifth of Jim Beam, you will do the best work of your short life."

"A parable: Once upon a time there a was a brave prince that travelled the land performing brave deeds. After walking for 29 days across the Plains of Fnogdor, he came upon Mount Agmarodnoll, the tallest mountain he had ever seen. He fearlessly scaled the mountain, losing all of his footmen on the way to the freezing temperatures and jagged rocks. Alone and exhausted, he struggled to the peak. Sitting atop the mountain was a terrible griffin, who upon spying the nearly-dead prince, lunged. They fought for 14 days and nights. The griffin tore at the prince's flesh with his razor-sharp claws, yet bravely he struggled on. Eventually the griffin was thrown to the ground, the prince's glorious sword held to his neck. The griffin spoke thusly: 'Please brave warrior, spare me, and I shall bestow upon you my Gift. I will give to you The New Way, a language that will allow you to communicate emotions and ideas that are inexpressable by words that you now possess.' The prince responded: 'Thank you, my equal. I will gladly spare your life and dutifully take this Gift and share it with all of mankind, ringing in a new Era of Communication among all of God's Peoples.' The prince returned to the Kingdom and used The New Way to tell everyone what a big dick he has. THE END."

"I too must disagree with 'no narration.' Like any other element of comics, narration is a tool that can be used for good or evil. I'm currently working on a story that has more narration than I've ever used before, and maybe I'm feeling defensive, because I HAVE found it very difficult to handle. It seems that once you get started with narration boxes, it's hard to stop. I've taken a lot of it out along the way, and may take out more. But I don't think narration should be dismissed out of hand. Think of it as cayenne pepper or something."

"I don't understand why you would want a machine to do your lettering any more than you'd want a machine to draw the whole comic. It sounds like you need to work on your relationship with your lettering. You need to learn to love it just as much as you love drawing... a different love perhaps, but love all the same. I'm laying it on thick here, but I think I mean it."

"I just decided that I don't have any bad ideas."

"Man, oh, monkey, you don't check your email for 24 hours (I've been in the hospital with tubes stuck in me) and you come home to all of this. So much to comment on, must sleep, must get horizontal, as they warn me that staying upright can cause spinal fluid to run out of the hole they put in my spine this morning. Incidentally, I had this mad, blinding headache at work, like I've never had in my life, and they found me face down on the floor, passed out. Good news, no tumors or bleeding brain. They don't know what's up."

"Stop whining about losing your precious spinal fluid, crybaby, and get back to the important work of posting smarter-than-thou wise-ass comments."

"Don't ink with a brush. You think you should ink with a brush because that's what they tell you to do, but all the really good ones ink with a nib, a Hunt 112 nib, and again they are wrong too, the true way to ink is in Flash 3, or 4. Flash 5 I don't like. Also just draw it in pencil and scan it and 33% brightness, 33% contrast, if you must insist on actually drawing with your hand and making a real drawing, again I use Photoshop 4 not 5 or 6."

"Scoop: Hey check it out my brotha, not that many people care if your wiggity-wack comic got reviewed somewhere. Ya don't need to promote every single little thing that happens to you, homeboy! I don't read your comics and I certainly don't care where your next public appearance will be! Peace!"

"Don't be so neat and precious when making comics. Life is dirty; life has warts. Much of the beauty of comics is seeing the humanity in the line. No that one's stupid. I'm an idiot, I've got nothing important or relevant to say."

"Don't pretend that 'popularity' isn't good. It shouldn't have anything to do with how or why you CREATE the art, but if it helps you work towards LIVING off your art, then it is good. This is the only thing I don't like about the Fort Thunder/Paper Radio scene."

"Make longer comics. For example, reduce the number of drawings per page -- maybe even down to zero."

"Write stories about adults who have mature relationships."

"Your childhood was ordinary and really not that interesting. But more comics should be about ordinary life."

"Even serious stories need humor, especially if you're trying to be 'realistic.' Often we deal with the worst moments in life with humor."

"Do the types of stories we choose to tell limit our audience?"

"Even fiction can benefit from research."

"Your drawing doesn't have to be perfect. It would be better if you spent more time improving your story."

"Write stories in which the setting is as important as the characters."

"Be generous. Make your comics cheap. One of the great things about comics is that they can be art that is affordable."

"I love that comics can be so democratic -- all you need is pen and paper and maybe a photocopier, if that -- but I get tired of reading all the crap that being democratic opens the medium to."

"More happy endings."

"Cute brute."

"No more comics in which we pretend to sympathize with the homeless. Do you really know anyone who is homeless?"

"Can comics have multi-part harmonies like music?"

"Pay more attention to how you end your stories. No more 'they went nuts' or 'it was all a dream' or 'he ran away' endings. So many cartoonists spend so much time inventing wonderful story setups and they don't pay off in the end."

"Comics in foreign languages are always smarter than those in American."

"In Europe people respect all cartoonists as if they were Charles Schulz, Jim Davis or Scott Adams."

"If narration is outlawed only outlaws will have narration. (Even Shakespeare used narration.)"

"When you letter stuff, don't actually consider that people have to read it, just make it to look good. What looks good is not always easy to read."

"I have three words on lettering: Chicago 10 point."

"By reading your comic I can tell that you bought yourself a camera. Photo reference is fine but I should not be able to tell you used it."

On happy endings: "True, the unhappy 'Bananafish' ending has become the overused staple of 'new' fiction, but I say throw out endings all together. When you are just about to draw the ending of your story reconsider whether or not you really need it. Are you just overemphasizing a point? If so, lose the ending. The upside of this is you save drawing time. Voila! Go draw a comic about a record collector who works in a coffeeshop and whose best friend is a homeless guy who used to draw comics for a living with all that free time you just gave yourself."

"When drawing black people, don't cover their faces with lots of lines. I wish I could say that this is directed only at white people but Keith Knight is the offender that comes to mind first."

"If someone looks at your portfolio or sample comic and says, 'Yeah, this looks nice. Keep at it,' then they don't like your comic and they are really wondering where they set their coffee last."

"Here's a helpful hint: Try to tailor your every waking moment to making wisecracks. While at times you will alienate your friends, you will eventually develop a wicked sense of humor and you will be able to make fun of anything. Then when you're writing your comic and you have a scene where a little girl gets hit by a car, you're ready to go. Or you can just be a whole lot more organic. When you have people talking in a comic, they are trying to convey information that is important to the story. Obviously. But the thing is that when people talk in real life, there are a lot more things going on. They react to things that people say with wisecracks, they change the subject to things they want to talk about or are more comfortable with. A joke is a better transition than having a character say 'ummmm...' or 'so...' and it can serve the same purpose."

"You should try to end your comics with a 'plop' as often as possible."

"Dream comics. Do I even have to say it?"

"I kind of feel like I'm on yearbook staff."

"On this page of creamy white, it looked so good I take a bite.' And then I'll rip off a little corner of the page in every issue of the Journal cuz then it would look like I took a bite out of the page and that would be pretty funny, right, and then everyone would know what a crack-up I am, and that I have a good personality too."

"You can draw a better comic than Chris Ware."

"I KNOW you don't want to start over from the beginning, but really, after you've used that much 'Pro White', maybe it be best to just start that page again."

"Let someone edit your comics."

"Buy a dictionary. Use this dictionary."

"Stop doing that 'first-panel-of-your-story-is-the-same-as-the-last-panel' trick."

Also, I was looking through some books trying to get a Charles Schulz quote and this is the most positive thing I was able to find him saying about comics: "I tend to believe that movies, as a whole, really do not rank that much higher than comic strips as an art form."

"I heard a shocking thing at the San Diego Con. A former Comics Journal editor told me that one of his regular comics reviewers, a very respected and intelligent writer and critic, said that he would NEVER write a bad review of a comic done by a woman. Presumably his reason was that he didn't want to discourage female cartoonists, since there are so few of them, and they are SUCH DELICATE FLOWERS. Bullshit! And the former Comics Journal editor, to his credit, never again assigned this writer to review a comic by a woman. What a horrible, horrible story. I must admit that I am extra ENCOURAGING of new female cartoonists, precisely because I want there to be more of us, but we must never confuse that with praise for sub-par material. To do so is condescending, patronizing, sexist, shameful and totally destructive. Tell those girls what you think and give them helpful criticism. They can take it. To actually take the time to really look at somebody's work and come up with a thoughtful and helpful suggestion of how they could improve it, is far more respectful and encouraging than empty, false praise. One of the problems in the whole comics scene, with the so few women to men ratio, is not so much that men are discriminating against women in a conscious way, it is more that they treat women differently, perhaps out of fear that they WILL be called sexist, or whatever. Hence the kid gloves policy of empty praise and subsequent dismissal. Please engage with the girls. Assume that they are intelligent, mature and capable of hearing criticism and applying it in future work. ENGAGE WITH THE GIRLS, FELLAS!!!!!!"

"OK, now please 'disengage.' Har."

"Silent comics are starting to become as vulnerable to cliché and clumsy overuse as the ubiquitous narration boxes. I hate those comics where there are all these silent 'profound' little moments and the cartoonist just expects us, the readers, to put it all together and connect the dots when it's clear that the cartoonist hasn't put it all together for himself. Sure it's great to be oblique and understated, subtle, quiet and restrained, but that in itself can become a crutch for folks who simply have nothing to say."

"When your cartoonist friend asks you what you think of something they've done, tell them the truth, and maybe you'll be lucky and they'll do the same for you... unless it's already been printed, then it's OK to lie."

"In most cases, there's nothing less auto-bio than auto-bio"

"If you're thinking about doing auto-bio, because you think you've led this really interesting life that you'd like to share, go make a comic about fuzzy bunnies or something and jerk off instead. I'd rather see an interesting mind do a story about making a sandwich than see a bone-headed mind do a story about a supposed interesting life"

"Not every comic has to be geared toward 'legitimizing' comics. The next Maus could be a story about smelling your own farts, but we'll never know. Personally, I'd rather read a really funny comic about smelling your own farts than another trump card 'meaningful' comic about personal strife."

"Hey everybody, I live at my mom's house." [Editor's note: This isn't a "gag" quote but an actual quote by someone on this list.]

"If we all really wanted to make comics to make a big splash in the world ('we' meaning every single cartoonist in the world) we would all put everything aside for a year, one year, and all work on one story, involving one character, and have it be 100,000 pages long. The character would be a lazy talking cat."

"You know how homeless people sell those newspapers? What if someone printed up a comic newspaper and had them sell it. They'd keep the money, advertisers would feel very good about themselves, and hey, cartoons would be read by a ton of people who might not buy it unless forced to by a homeless person. It might even solve the homeless problem. It's an excellent idea! Maybe."

"I think if you are drawing a long comic, like over three hundred pages, you need to have the characters use the bathroom occasionally."

"There should be a panel after the 'plop' panel, where the characters all look at the dude on the ground. It would really take the fun out of the 'plop.'"

"One of the problems with silent comics is when people meet you, they expect that you will be all sensitive and thoughtful, like everything you say will be profound and wonderful. And really you are just a big disgusting slob who barfs on his shoes. They go home and look at your sweet little comic about a single falling leaf, a wistful bit of wind blowing it gently, and they think, 'what a joke' and they throw it away. Which isn't such a big deal, but it might hurt overall sales in the long run which is what would really suck."

"When doing humor, flatulence, poo, and the ass are your most solid bets for immediate comic payoff."

"Anyway, have you guys ever heard of a cartoonist named Angelo Torres who worked for Mad Magazine? I met an old lady this morning in the laundry room told me he lives on the first floor of my building. I said 'I've heard of him', but I haven't. Have you?"

"Stop trying to draw things 'realistically!' If you want to make a movie, or something else besides comics, please spare us and STOP MAKING COMICS."

"I don't know anyone that is homeless, but the other day my wife and I walked down the alley and saw a man going to the bathroom, #2. He wasn't in a pose that you would imagine, but I have not had to do that in public very often -- only twice -- so who am I to say what is a normal position. He was more in the position an umpire takes when behind the catcher. But I don't know if he was homeless, or just caught off guard by this need to go #2. Either which way, I think it's perfectly normal to draw comics that involve homeless characters. What I think is that those of us who do it aren't sympathizing enough, in fact we draw them in more of a train hobo type of way, glamorizing homelessness. When you SEE homeless people it is actually really sad. But still, DRAWING homeless people is neat. So it's kind of messed up like that. I like to draw homeless people, and I feel that I draw them in a hopeful and encouraging way, but I have been yelled at by a lot of people for not really giving it the respect as a serious problem in society. So what's the answer?"

"No, I guess I don't know any homeless people anymore. Do you know any talking gingerbread men? Aw man, that seemed snitty. I'm just saying that I don't know any robots or cowboys or professional bowlers or hookers or midgets or mermaids or talking dogs or gas station attendants or hot dog vendors, but it shouldn't and wouldn't stop me from doing a story about any of those things if some idea whacked me in the head. I'm sick of movies or TV or comics where the creator pretends to be 'part of the solution' by doing a story about AIDS or homelessness or, I dunno, whatever. If you wanna make a movie that helps the homeless, make Jurassic Park 4 and use the money to feed people or something. This whole 'awareness' thing is only worth so much."

"I have felt bad for years every time I DON'T have a comic end w/ a plop. There is nothing more noble in comics."

"Base all of your comics on dreams -- dreamstates -- fever dreams -- or under the influence of drugs -- but (here's the hard part) -- make it so no one can tell."

"Two things are important when making art: taste and honesty. Both of these things can be taught or achieved through practice and study. God-given talent is overrated, and perhaps an outright lie."

"The only difference between a great artist and a hobbyist is the degree of dedication. If you'd drawn as many comics as Chris Ware for as long as Chris Ware, chances are that you'd be something on par with Chris Ware."

"Quit showing people taking a dump just to make your comic more 'honest.'"

"'What do you think is the most important thing in a comic?', 'Charming drawings.'"

"Do not under any circumstances do a comic about your WORST ROOMMATE EVER!"

On the Homeless problem: "The problem is that TV movie portrayal. As 'set dressing', homeless people make perfect sense. BUT most people just use them as an obvious way to tug heartstrings. Example: 'There is that old lady shivering in the cold trying to cover herself up with a piece of cardboard. Look at those little kids with dirty faces and suntans, how wrong. Now look, here I am at home watching Friends. What a sad world.' Greg's homeless elephant is pretty good because it's juxtaposed with a little kid who doesn't even understand what homeless is. Brian's Smokey Joe would be the best homeless comic ever probably. Especially, if he showed him taking a dump. And then Brian went home and watched Friends on his portable TV while taking a dump on his new modern toilet."

"Use the classic tools of comics as much as possible -- use plops and bangs. Draw hoboes & hillbillies -- Patches on cars w/big balloon tires, etc. Just don't end up looking like Kaz. It's hard for me not to just wanna draw JUST like he does."

"As for humor in general, keep in mind that Sam Henderson OWNS the ass in comics. I saw someone else do an 'ass' comic recently and I was like 'What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you think you're Sam Henderson? Cuz you're not.'"

"Lately I've been drawing with these things in mind, it's totally silly: I can distort arms and legs to make them way long or short, depending on what they are doing. They have no real bones and their arms are made of Jello. People will hold things the way birds hold things. I don't have to make hands realistic if I don't feel like it, they can be claws. Make the eyes as far apart as possible, if you feel like it. Pupils are for 'real' people, not cartoon people. Size and scale, that doesn't really exist anymore. This comic is a work in progress, even after it's printed I can go back and change things I don't like. The printed comic is just a proof-copy for when all this work gets reprinted in my ultimate collection when I die (This will help you not get too uptight about things, and actually allow you to get a comic sent out in the mail.) There are only three ways things can be, black, white, or dotted with little lines. And that's pretty much only for clothes or fabric (the dots)."

"Practice drawing with your other hand. Not for some artsy-fartsy reason, but so if you ever get your drawing hand cut off in machinery, you'll still be able to draw."

"Draw draw draw draw draw and then draw some more. Then make a sandwich, go to the bathroom, then draw some more."

"If you draw comics at work, you're a paid cartoonist."

"Take a life drawing class -- not to work on your 'chops' so much as to look at naked ladies."

"When receiving criticism from Brian Ralph, remember this: he can't even remember whether his characters are wearing shoes or shirts or if they have mohawks. What does he know anyways?"

"You are not an illustrator, you are a cartoonist. The only reason anyone would ever hold an illustrator in higher esteem is because an illustrator gets paid more and that's about the most retarded reason there is."

"Never actually draw from life, just use your brain's vague idea of what things look like. Especially automobiles. That way things look really simple and symbolic."

"Steal from everywhere. Sometimes I even try to steal the way an image feels than the way it looks. And steal gluesticks. And then ask the guy at Kinko's for some more gluesticks. But don't steal the scissors because that's not cool."

"Sometimes what I'll do when drawing from life or photos is draw the subject using said reference, then throw it away and then draw it from my head."

"Never pay for copies, at least not full price. There's always a way... you're an artist, be creative."

"Don't not do something because 'it's been done'. Don't do something simply because 'it's never been done'. If you get on some 'formally playful' kick for it's own sake, you'll end up being the cleverest lousy cartoonist there ever was."

"Men: always give yourself HUGE genitalia in you autobio sexcapades. Makes 'em wonder."

"Wanting to like something will only screw you over."

"Fix that little thing that 'nobody will notice'. YOU'LL notice, it'll drive you nuts. Who are you doing this stuff for anyway?"

"Draw a comic everyday for your sweetie."

"If you try to learn anatomy and perspective you'll just spend the rest of your life trying to forget it and draw like a kid again, so save your self the time and money. That's what Picasso says."

"Your only as good as your last Pulitzer Prize winning comic, so don't make any more after that."

"Let's stop making comics for kids, they have enough stuff, and they'll only end up being spoiled brats. Except for Kurt's kids who will grow up to be pure genius."

"We should all be making comics like Jack Chick. Comics we can leave at the bus stop."

"Instead of spending five hundred dollars on a new television set, spend that money publishing your new comic."

"If you look hard enough, there is someone in your family who has access to a photocopy machine."

"Be accepting of all forms of art, don't immediately write things off as garbage. Because that's what people do to you."

"Hey, that reminds me, there is this strange woman that I always see at Kinko's, it's amazing. She makes this 'zine' and then hands them out in front of the courthouse. She is kind of a bag-person, but I don't think homeless. The zine, every time, is about how the post office is holding her money (for the past 17 years) and how she is the poet laureate of Maryland. And then sometimes about things that happen to her on the bus. It is pretty amazing, like an open letter to the people of Baltimore, half sane, but mostly insane."

"The computer is the future of porn, not comics. Electronically transmitted cell phone comics, now THATS the future of comics!"

"You know how they say you can't make your comic a certain size because it doesn't fit on the store shelf? Well FUCK THAT. Don't let those close-minded fucks steer the world of comics into their shitty-ass garbage can. I'll be damned if some softball-playing retard is going to tell me what to do."

"My wife is trying to get me to buy a pair of sandals. But I like flip-flops. I tell her sandals for men should be called 'mandals.' Does anyone else wear sandals or have an opinion about mandals?"

"When you finish inking a page you'll think it's the worst piece of shit ever. But then you should go out and have a few beers. When you come back you'll see it on your drawing board and you'll be kind of drunk and think it's the best thing you've ever done. But then you'll wake up the next morning and realize the truth. But at least it looked good for a couple of minutes when you were drunk and the lighting was kind of low."

"Hypothetical situation: if you have your drawing table near a window, and you have a fan in the window, and you keep your ink in a lightweight plastic little cup on your table, and you just washed your hands and you're really antsy to dig in, so you want your hands dried really quickly, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT turn your fan on full blast to use it as a hand dryer. This is the most important piece of advice an artist should have."

"Beware of new photocopiers. The new ones use some sort of 'digital technology.' If you're not careful your photocopied artwork could look like it was scanned in at too low a resolution. Make sure you set the quality to 'very high' or try to find old analog photocopiers."

"You have all said many interesting things here but the most important of all is the 'sandals issue.' Men simply cannot wear them. Flip-flops are OK because there's that 'hey, I'm on my way to the pool' kind of casualness. But sandals, no. Sandals say 'my feet need to be free and I'm willing to pay $100 for that right. Jesus wore sandals, man.' Yes, but Jesus was a dirty hippy. And sandals only look good with shorts and I think you all know how I feel about shorts on men. Now sandals on women make perfect sense, of course. The more skin exposed the better. Not to mention the bound aspect. Don't get me wrong, I'm no 'foot freak.'"

"OK, not that I feel particularly compelled to defend myself but I will point out that I do in fact wear sandals from time to time and I have very cool pair that would get me laid all the time if I weren't already married (and in fact they do get me laid). And I defy any of you to call me a hippy. (Although I'm addicted to the Love albums that Tom Hart taped for me.) Ask your girlfriends. Gentlemen, if we knew anything about the laws of mating, we would all be wearing clogs."

[Editor's note: Unfortunately, it only got worse from here on out. The whole "mandals" thing became the only topic we discussed for the next week. Ultimately, we all realized we were far more interested in discussing footwear than we were in "saving comics."]